Evolution, Incest, and Improving God February 6, 2011Posted by thegodless in Uncategorized.
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Don’t ever say that all atheists hate God, because this one is about to do him a favor. It’s been several thousands of years since God first decided to write the Bible (though technically he didn’t write anything, instead employing over a dozen men to act as ghost writers (not to be confused with the Ghost Rider, a second string Marvel character recently brought to mediocre life by comic geek Nicholas Cage)), so I thought that it would be of great service to God if someone was willing to straighten out the Bible for the modern discerning audience. Since my chances of being that someone are considerably higher from being a male and since God is obviously sending me a sign in the form of a blizzard, I thought why not become a part of official canon. There really is nothing like being granted privileges just for being born with testosterone and testicles.
With the knowledge of my God given male superiority and seeing as how God has never worried much before about males repeatedly hacking, twisting, and omitting his words, I thought to myself that I am just as qualified as any to ensure the good news gets spread appropriately. So, with God’s foresight and awareness of all that I do and by the virtue of me writing this without being struck dead, I have decided, with God’s implied approval (he is after all choosing not to stop me) to continue with my implementation of (what I have now decided is really God’s plan) my holy mission to make the Bible make better sense.
As we all are perfectly aware, including our all knowing father, it is not in good practice (incestual births produce a higher rate of deformity, mental retardation, and pansy assed liberals) to mate with our own children. The Bible that is in current use clearly leaves Adam and Eve in the predicament of having to mutiply, yet having only their children to do so with. Now, we all know that God could have easily just whipped up some more rib babies, but he chose not to do that for a very good reason (and it was not, as many of those godless heathens claim, because he enjoys being omnipresent for inbreeding). You may be asking yourself, why a loving God would force parents to fuck their own kids, but you would be focusing on the wrong question. What you should be asking is how we can learn from the perfect morals that God always shows. Why is it that I feel that you are still unconvinced? Haven’t you been told that the Bible should be your moral compass? Now, we also know that God could have avoided the issue of incest by creating more than just one breeding pair of humans, but that would defeat the purpose that I am about to reveal. Let it be my first act as Biblical editor #4133 to explain why it was that God saw fit to force incest upon Adam and Eve. I know your probably saying to yourself that none of the real world evidence we observe supports the Biblical creation account, so I’m here to show you how it actually does and why it is that most of the smartest people on earth can’t see it. Anyways, like I was saying, God forced Adam and Eve into commiting incest for a reason. To see God’s reason, one must only look to the fossil record. As all true believers are aware, the rise of evolution has completely ruined humanity’s faith in God. For those of us that know that evolution is full of lies, it has been disheartening to watch fossil after fossil seemingly support every aspect of evolution. As an editor of God’s holy truth, it is with great pleasure that I announce that we can finally sleep at night, as evolution is dead (you can tell all your kinfolk that it’s safe to send their kids back to public schools), for the fossil record doesn’t show evidence of transitions, it shows evidence of Adam and Eve’s inbreeding. You see, God forsaw that the theory of evolution would one day threaten the existence of the entire Universe, and to avoid the need for a Universe sized Hell, God purposefully introduced human deformity into humanity’s fossil record. The missing links that scientists believe are evidence for evolution, are in fact only our inbred ancestors.
You may be wondering why some fossils date to different times, but I’m telling you that it all makes sense if you don’t think about it too much. I highly recommend that you don’t worry about such details. In fact, God is implying by his silence that you had better not. So, until next time, when we look at how God uses death and suffering to make you feel special, goodnight and God bless white males.